A Different Kind of Blog

news and things sacred and irreverent put together by opinionated people.

Darwin Awards…

Posted by lawman2 on January 31, 2009

darwin_logo_mediumtnt

A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises
Honoring those who improve the species…by
accidentally removing themselves from it!

jugglerJunk Food Junkie 
1994 Darwin Awards Winner
Unconfirmed by Darwin

 

 

This year’s Darwin Award went to the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

 

 

juggler1 Gunpowder-Guy Fawkes
1605 Darwin Award Nominee

 

 

(5 November 1605, England) In the early hours of a wintry London night, authorities discovered Guy Fawkes sitting by a pile of gunpowder in the cellar of the Houses of Parliament. King James I was scheduled to attend Parliament when it convened later that day, and he was not pleased by this demonstration of disrespect by his subjects.

A manhunt was started for Fawkes’ fellow conspirators, 14 people in all led by Brian Caton.

A few days later the plotters were brought to earth in a house in Buxton and a gunfight ensued. Unfortunately there was a driving rain and the gunpowder of the cornered men was too wet to fire properly. So they spread the gunpowder on the floor in front of the fire to dry. Guess what happened when a burning ember spat out from the fire and landed on the drying powder?

Needless to say, the survivors of the explosion and the incoming gunfire were captured, and hanged and beheaded for treason.

As an interesting sidelight, gunpowder those days had a limited use-by date. The pile that had been accumulated and secreted in the cellar had probably deteriorated too much to ignite even if Fawkes had managed to remain undetected until King James’ appearance. We can only assume he had prepared a long enough fuse to ensure his safe withdrawal. Otherwise he would have joined the ranks of the suicide bombers, who win the very first Darwin Award — before Charles Darwin was even born!

juggler1Guitars ‘n’ Guns
1978 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

 

 

(January 23, 1978) Legendary Chicago guitarist Terry Kath was an avid collector of guns. One week before his 32nd birthday, he brought several of his metal friends to a party along with his wife. After the party broke up, he began to play with his guns.

First he spun his .38 revolver on his finger, brought it to his temple, and pulled the trigger. Click! The gun was not loaded. Next he picked up a 9-mm semi-automatic pistol. The host of the party, unamused, asked him to stop. As Terry pulled the magazine from the weapon, he reassured him, “Don’t worry it’s not loaded.” Then Terry raised the pistol… and put a bullet through his head in an one-man shootout.

This popular musician and long-time gun enthusiast forgot that an automatic automatically chambers a bullet, so removing the magazine does not disarm the weapon.

His death was classified an inadvertent suicide.

 

juggler1

 

Ski Theft Backfires  
1998 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed by Darwin

 

(February 1998) Matthew and his friends were sliding down a Mammoth Mountain ski run on a foam pad at 3am, when he crashed into a lift tower and died. His makeshift sledge of yellow foam had been stolen from the legs of a lift tower on Stump Alley. The cushion is meant to protect skiers who hit the tower, and the tower Matthew ran into was the one from which he had created his sledge. There’s a moral in there somewhere.

ski

 

 

juggler1

Whac-A-Mole

2006 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

 

 

(10 January 2007, East Germany) A 63-year-old man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles. The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them–not to household current, which would have been bad enough–but to a high-voltage power line, intending to render the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

Incidentally, the maneuver electrified the very ground on which he stood. He was found dead some time later, at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

The precise date of the sexagenarian’s demise could not be ascertained, but the electric bill may provide a clue.

mole_hunt

juggler1Elephants Press Back
2007 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

 

 

(2007, India) Increased mining and recent rains in southeast India have unsettled the wildife. In the past few months, migrating elephants have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of four journalists decided to interview this herd of rogue elephants.

They went into the forest in search of the rogues–on foot.

Elephants are big, and elephants are fast. As the recent deaths illustrate, a person can’t out-run an elephant. But these intrepid journalists apparently assumed that a press pass grants immunity.

With a nose for news, the journalists sniffed out the herd. Once located, it was only natural to capture the photogenic animals on film. Unfortunately, the elephants were camera shy. Angered by the flash, the irritated herd charged the paparazzi, miraculously killing only one of the four.

His remains could not be retrieved.

elephants_press

 

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE DARWIN AWARDS… http://www.darwinawards.com

You Can read more caveman’s perspectives from lawman Just A Caveman

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3 Responses to “Darwin Awards…”

  1. tothewire said

    You’re such a nerd. I don’t think this is appropriate for our blog.

    Like

  2. Lawman2 said

    my favorite is the elephant story…hehehe

    Like

  3. justice4mothers said

    Terry Kath…oh what a terrible accident, when he died, the band went to crap….they should have termed it an accident instead of suicide, even if they labeled it inadvertent. He was getting ready to work on a solo project at the time he died. What a loss!

    Like

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