A Different Kind of Blog

news and things sacred and irreverent put together by opinionated people.

Darwin Awards

Posted by lawman2 on February 10, 2009

darwin_logo_mediumtree_logo

A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises
Honoring those who improve the species…by
accidentally removing themselves from it!

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Best Supporting Actor
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

car(9 October 2008, South Africa) For several days Johannesburg office workers watched a demolition worker slowly chip away at a pillar supporting the concrete slab above him. One observer said, “I wondered how they would drop that section.” The walls were gone, and only the supporting pillars remained.

Dozens of observers watched the slow and senseless demolition proceed. Finally the only possible outcome concluded this epic battle. The besieged support collapsed, crushing man and machine beneath a pile of rubble. Ishmael Makone, 52, was killed instantly inside the cab of his mini-excavator.

“I cannot believe they did not foresee this,” said a shocked witness who did not forsee this. Observers said they had been concerned about the workers’ safety for several days. “There was no common sense.”

airplaneLow Flying Drunk
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin

(1996, Canada) Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual. The engine noise was like a mosquito, zooming too close too quick, then veering away. What the bleep was going on?

In the wee hours of the night, during a bout of heavy drinking, two future Darwin Award nominees concluded that, with neither had a pilot’s license nor flight training, they nevertheless knew enough to pilot an aircraft. knew all they needed to know to at a local dive, They drew the obvious conclusion, and decided to take a plane from the small local airport for a drunken joyride over the city. They invited two females along for the ride; fortunately, the level-headed ladies declined.

From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly. One of the gentlemen worked at the airport and had access to the tarmac. The two men then managed to unlock a plane and get it off the ground and into the sky. They went on to buzz around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses. This went on for an extended period of time.

Eventually they decided to land. They attempted to land on the grassy median between east and west-bound lanes of the Trans Canada Highway. They almost made it under the electrical wires that cross the median. Almost. Where these wires were concerned, fate intervened. Instead of making a soft landing on the grassy verge, the tail clipped the wires, sending the aircraft diving nose-first into the ground and killing both occupants.

Only then were the sleepy Chilliwack residents able to return to their REM sleep.

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The Balloon Priest
(Padre Baloneiro)

2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) A Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure. Larry, the beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy fiasco, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether–but instead of drifting above the Los Angeles landscape as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of the weather balloons. Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight.Adelir Antonio, 51, was not so lucky.
His audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight was intended to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers. But, as truckers know, sitting for 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.
<!– (20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure in 1982 wherein our beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt attached 45 helium weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch and cut the tether a Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Larry, instead of drifting lazily above the LA landscape, was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of his weather balloons. Astoundingly, he survived the flight. Adelir Antonio was not so lucky. Paying a nod to Lawn Chair Larry, Adelir, 41, was attempting to set a world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers. –>He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help–but rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest’s body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It’s a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!

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Note from Darwin: “A hot air balloon is maneuvered by altering altitude. The wind direction changes, generally toward the right, as one ascends in the northern hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses altitude to shift the downwind track. (airborneballoons.co.uk) By comparison, a mass of individual balloons is completely at the mercy of the wind. The balloons used by the priest were described as party balloons, which are far more fragile than the weather balloons used by Lawn Chair Larry.”

 

train

A One Track Mind
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

man-in-car(16 July 2008, Italy) Gerhard, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne sportscar. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy’s Law, a train was coming.

The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails. According to witnesses, it took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck. Finally he jumped from the car and started to run–straight toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his sportscar!

The attempt was partly successful. The car received less damage than its owner, who landed 30 meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.

The moral of the story? Momentum always wins.

 

 

 

 

 

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE DARWIN AWARDS… http://www.darwinawards.com

You Can read more caveman’s perspectives from lawman Just A Caveman
 
 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Darwin Awards”

  1. dorian9 said

    hehe – i can think of a few people who should get double darwins!

    Like

  2. lawman2 said

    i enjoy the darwin awards a bit too much,or so tothewire says!i have a hard time reading them to her between lmao!

    Like

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